Why I’m Not the Woman I Used to Be

You might always wonder how you might feel or respond if some catastrophic event came into your life…until it actually happens and then you know. Yes, I had thyroid cancer five years ago, but hearing my doctor say that I probably had ovarian cancer now tops my list of personal high stress life experiences. Since I’d often wondered how I might react to such news, I’ve now settled that one. Here’s how it went… First came disbelief…trying to make by brain accept what my ears had already processed. The what ifs followed.  Lots of them.

•  Then I resolved that I would not be overwhelmed.
• Then I woke up at 2 am…overwhelmed.
• So I prayed and prayed and cried myself back to sleep.
• Friday morning began with sadness and a CT scan.

Gerry’s face has not looked so solemn in all of our 15 years. We talked and cried as we began to feel the crushing weight of it all while we made phone calls, rearranged a million plans and prayed that God would make a way for us to get into MD Anderson.

5:00 pm on Friday arrived with waves of relief. No answers and no changes but startling relief. For two days, every moment  and every thought was dedicated to finding the best possible surgeon, the best possible answers and thinking through every imaginable scenario. Adrenaline was our ammunition, and cancer was our enemy. But when the doctor’s offices closed, we could no longer pursue leads, request tests, ask questions or try to manage the crisis. Knowing there was nothing else to do but wait was the best thing that could have happened. That’s when I realized how stressful it is to try to control the uncontrollable.

Having the kids home over the weekend brought normalcy back to our lives and allowed me to step back and  see that my only option, the best option, was to trust God. So I asked Him to take over. I asked Him to order our steps. I read that He is my portion forever and decided that was enough. He mentioned that I am His portion too and reminded me that He’d do nothing less than His best on my behalf. What more could I ask for?

I slept better that night than I had in years. Truly, I did. Many of you know about the sleep issues I’ve had since my thyroid surgery five years ago. I had  not slept a full night since…until that night…the night I decided to believe that God really is enough. He is good enough. Great enough. Big enough. More than enough. My portion forever. And He grants sleep to those He loves. He was there, and that was all I really needed.

I’ve learned more than I ever cared to know about cancer in the past couple of months, and the lessons came complete with illustrations via the bare heads and shivering frames of men, women, teens and children who waited alongside of me for blood tests, CT scans and doctor’s visits. This classroom held its  lessons in shadowy places, yet it is here that I learned more about God than I did about cancer.

• I learned that God doesn’t have to show up. He’s already there.
• I learned that God doesn’t need to shout. He waits for us to be quiet.
• I learned that God doesn’t have to be visible to give comfort that is as warm as a hug and as personal as a whisper.
• I learned that God is more ready for us to hear Him than we are to listen.
• Best of all, I learned that God really is enough for me.

Learning that I don’t have cancer has washed away a Niagra of fear, worry, doubt, stress, speculation and anxiety. You name it, I felt it. But all those subsided, and in their places stood faith. Strong and ready to fight, not so much against cancer but for me. Thank God, I’m not the woman I used to be.

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